Networking Video Tip: Building Successful Relationships

I am often asked how you develop strong relationships with people you meet at networking events. I answer the question in this video:

It takes more than a handshake to build a network

In his weekly Media Coach Radio Show last week, Alan Stevens interviewed US networking expert Thom Singer.

Thom's key advice resonated with my beliefs that simply shaking hands or exchanging cards at an event does not mean you are building a strong network.

Thom told Alan, "The biggest mistake people make when they're at an event like this and they meet people, is to think, 'Wow! Alan's now part of my network, we're buddies. We're going to refer business.'

"They go back and Link In to you and connect to you on Twitter and they think 'Wow! You're my friend'. The truth is when you meet someone one time, they're not part of your network They're someone you've met one time.

"The trick is you have to own the follow-up; to grow the relationship along to the point where you are actually business friends, or real friends."

How many times have you met people at events and instantly expected business, or referrals, to be exchanged? Or felt that they expect this from you? And how often has that actually happened?

Thom is right, simply meeting at an event and connecting online is not sufficient to establish a strong, long-lasting and productive relationship. It is so important to develop that initial contact into a conversation and use social networks or personal meetings to stay in touch and build understanding, rapport and trust.

The Art of Relationship Building - F W de Klerk and Nelson Mandela

Yesterday I had the honour of speaking just before former South African State President and Nobel Laureate F W de Klerk at the excellent Regional Conference of The Academy for Chief Executives. Mr. de Klerk presented a fascinating speech on how to lead in times of dramatic change, and his talk was followed by a question and answer session that left the audience in awe.

One of the stories that Mr. De Klerk shared was in response to a question concerning how his relationship with Nelson Mandela developed. Mr. de Klerk was, of course, the President who released Mr. Mandela from jail and who set in motion the dismantling of the apartheid system of government that had left his country on the brink of civil war and isolated from the rest of the World.

The story of how their relationship developed provided key lesson for all of us when meeting new people with whom we want to work going forward. It was particularly striking when you consider the huge differences in the two men's backgrounds and political beliefs.

When they first met, Mr. de Klerk said that they steered clear of talking about politics. They both knew by then each other's position and instead Mandela impressed de Klerk with his knowledge of South African military history and admiration for Boer Generals. I often stress the benefits of building relationships first by finding common ground and relaxing into an enjoyable conversation, and this is exactly what Mandela achieved. Speaking with de Klerk about something of interest to both of them, where they were not likely to argue but instead find common views, would have strengthened the relationship going forward when discussions would be less amicable.

In their respective autobiographies, both men reported that after this meeting they felt they had met "someone I could do business with".

When you network, how much emphasis do you put on finding people you can do business with, because you can develop a relationship where you know, like and trust people? It is so much easier to work with friends than acquaintances or people you have just met. "Pursue the relationship, not the sale" is a quote I heard almost ten years ago and have used in speeches, books and articles ever since. It remains one of the most important pieces of advice I have ever heard about networking.

If two people from completely opposite camps can overcome their differences by building a friendship first, surely there are lessons for those of us in business. Despite a number of issues and the near breakdown of trust during the tough negotiations that followed, the friendship and respect that emanated from this first meeting held the process together and today F W de Klerk considers Nelson Mandela a good friend.

How likely would that scenario have been just a couple of years before they met? And how much difference did their approach to that first meeting make?

'Playing the Game' or 'Politics'. How do women approach networking in a large company?

"If you go out to build a network, people can see you coming from a mile away".

This comment came in response to a question I asked last Thursday evening at the excellent womenintechnology.co.uk event at HSBC's offices high above Canary Wharf.

The question, "is networking in a large organisation different for women to men and do women need to be more proactive or act differently in any way?", was prompted by a comment made in conversation a couple of weeks ago. A business colleague, formerly a senior woman in a male dominated industry, told me there is a strong need for networking support for women in corporates. When she was in post, she and a colleague had been told that to succeed they needed to 'play the game'. The person who said this meant that they should build a network but the way it was phrased put both women off networking for a long time.

In a recent 'Inspired Leaders Network' event, Kanya King MBE, founder and CEO of MOBO talked about how essential networking had been to her career, and how she had almost got it wrong herself in her early days at work. "One of the worst mistakes I made was to stay head down in the business in the early days and not go out to events and network with others in the industry."

During last week's presentations, we were similarly left in no doubt of the importance of network building for women in industry. The main speaker, Lois Grady, a former Executive VP of the US finance company Hartford Life, told how she would build her connections with everyone she worked with, "from the security guard to the President of the Company." Talking to Lois afterwards, she told me how she followed this ethos throughout her career, showing respect and consideration for people of all positions and engaging whereever she could.

A key thread thoughout Lois's talk, was about the importance of working in an environment and culture which fits with your own outlook and working preferences, and then immersing yourself in that culture.

"If you're there, give your best.What the heck, otherwise you're just breathing air", said Lois. ""You have to know the company's business and operations. Know your boss's agenda and your boss's boss's agenda."

Meanwhile Kirstie Galloway, Global Head of Cross Products and Cross Utilities IT at HSBC, gave her three top tips to succeed as a woman in a corporate environment. Once again, the importance of networking underpinned everything she said.

Kirstie's three tips were:

"Be brave. You need to take the opportunities that come your way and, although you won't always succeed, you will be noticed.

"Always act with respect. You don't have to like everyone you work with but it is important to find a way to get on with them. It is important to always treat others with respect. Don't burn your bridges, even if you think you will never meet them again - people talk, and your reputation can proceed you.

"Build your network of contacts. Knowledge of your industry should be as wide as it is deep."

The networking theme continued as Karin Cook, Global Head of Derivative Operations at HSBC told us of the importance of role models, whether above or below you in the organisation's hierarchy. "Look at them, learn from them, ask them."

With such an emphasis on networking throughout the evening, I expected quite a lively response to my question.

I was surprised at the response. The panel looked dumbfounded at the question and responses surrounded social events, sports and being friends with workers rather than the importance of feedback, mentors and building connections across departments.

Is this where the issue is with 'networking'? Talk about 'building networks', 'developing connections' or even 'social capital' and you are on firm ground. As soon as you speak about 'networking', it is seen as a forced, even false and manipulative activity for one's own end. Maybe this is why it's seen as a 'game' or 'playing politics'.

I discussed this with Lois Grady after the event. I explained that, to me, networking is about sharing expertise, ideas, experience and connections to raise each of our potential above that which we could achieve on our own. Lois burst to life, agreeing completely with the definition and its importance in the workplace.

How can we change the perception of networking in the workplace so that it is seen as a positive, constructive activity rather than manipulative and self-serving? Do women need to 'network' differently to men in the workplace, or should everyone simply take the common-sense advice we heard last week?

Investing in Relationships....the long term rewards

I attended the Hertfordshire Institute of Directors 'Hert-y Breakfast' this morning. The guest speaker was former BBC foreign affairs correspondent and independent MP Martin Bell, aka 'The Man in the White Suit'.



The talk was fascinating, with challenging views on the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, sleaze in Parliament, the quality of our politicians and electoral system and standards in journalism.

In terms of networking, one thing that Martin said jumped out at me. I've often talked about the dangers of preconceptions at networking events, looking at people and asking yourself how they can help you. To often we write off people without getting to know them, thinking that their business is too small, they are too junior within a company, they wouldn't be able to afford us. Not only is this limited thinking, ignoring who they might know or influence, it is also short term thinking.

Martin Bell's career, and his ability to get the inside track on what is currently happening in the world, has been profoundly influenced by the connections that his has made, and developed over the years.

"The young officers I knew when I reported on the streets of Belfast in the 60s and 70s are now Generals and retired Generals, and they tell me things they wouldn't tell a young reporter.

"The second and third Secretaries I met in Cambodia and Vietnam are now Ambassadors and ex-Ambassadors, and they tell me things they wouldn't tell a young reporter."

Whether you are chasing a story, chasing a career or chasing new business, the relationships that you make, nurture and develop can make a huge difference for you. You can't necessarily measure the strength of your connections based on the immediate benefits you derive from them, in many cases you need to invest in a relationship over a period of years before the return becomes apparent.

Networking to Get Work - "The Elevator Pitch"

I’ve been told that I need an ‘elevator pitch’ if I go networking. What’s that and where do I get one?

The ‘elevator pitch’ is the concept where you find yourself alongside Bill Gates in a lift and have until the doors open to tell him what you do. I hate the idea!

At any networking event you’ll see lots of people asking each other…”What do you do?”. This is the networking equivalent of “Do you come here often?”! Let’s be honest, most people ask out of politeness, not genuine interest.

This is followed by the prepared elevator pitch, a one-minute lecture outlining everything you do, delivered to someone who couldn’t care in the first place and who is waiting to deliver their own pitch!

Networking is about building relationships and trust, not pitching. Find out what you’ve got in common with each other, not what you haven’t. You’ll find it much easier talking about football if you’re both big fans, than you will talking about accountancy when you have no interest at all.

Are You Connection Conscious?

I am sure that many people will agree with me when I say that connections are at the heart of most success. Knowing the right people, being able to put a call in for help and support and putting people together are all at the heart of making the most of both business and social networking.

But do you really know what a connection is and how to recognise one? Are you 'connection conscious'?

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, Connection is a noun meaning:

1 a link or relationship.
2 the action of connecting.
3 (connections) influential people with whom one has contact or to whom one is related.

The key to benefiting from the third definition, is that you get the first two right! Knowing how to establish that link and connect to another individual is a special skill and many people miss that opportunity.

You can connect with people on more than one level. On a rational level, it is easy to forge a relationship with people with whom you share an interest, or even better, a passion. Whether you share a love of the same sport, are wine connoisseurs, film buffs or travel to similar countries, if you can find something in common with another person, you will find it much easier to connect.

Alternatively people will connect on a more emotional level. This is something that is much harder to define and is often known as 'chemistry'. Most frequently associated with romantic connections, where you feel that special bond with your partner, we also tend to associate more readily with people with whom we feel comfortable and 'at home'.

When you meet people at business networking events or in meetings, it can often pay dividends to leave business discussions to one side initially and find out about each other. Relax in each others' company and talk about the individuals. It will make it much more likely that you will be able to connect on a deeper level and take the relationship to a higher level, where you are both more likely to support each others' business.

And when you introduce your connections to each other, let them know why you are doing so and on what level you feel they would be able to 'connect'. What do they have in common?

Next time you attend an event, allow yourself to be 'connection conscious' and focus on building more relationships.